Silent Lucidity 2.0 - Silence of Wings: Capital Sin All Over Again

I feel bad, again.

Just about 15 minutes ago I went to a grocery store near my dorm to get some of my 'vanity stuffs' like facial wash, moisturizer, etc. I was short on cash so I used my credit card to pay for my purchase. Their swiping machine (or whatever they call it) was not situated at the counter and was placed somewhere else so I had to wait a while for them to swipe my card. The cashier took the purchases of the other customers while I waited and there at the end of the line I saw the man of my dreams. I know for a fact that he is a bisexual (or a homosexual for that matter) because I saw him ad his photos before on a chatroom for bisexual men. I also saw him once at the mall, and twice at UST with his equally handsome boyfriend (it was pretty obvious that they were sweet with each other). They were both nursing students as I can remember. Anyway, he was wearing a black sando which showed off his great physique and white complexion that is to die for. When he finally reached his turn on the counter I was able to look at him head to toe. I couldn't help but notice the bulge which was very visible in his tight short pants. I can swear he was having a hard-on at that time. And, woah! What is that that he bought? Chocolate cookies and a pack of condoms. He noticed me noticing him and when he looked at me in the eye I almost fainted. I was so pre-occupied by this guy that I didn't notice the cashier handing me my card and receipt. She had to call my attention just to wake me up from my daydream. When I finally got my senses back I went to get my bag at the baggage counter and when I turned around he was gone.

I walked my way home feeling bad. Not because I didn't get a chance to check him out further but because I was feeling envious. It was a weird feeling. Normally, when I see a goodlooking guy what I feel is desire and not envy. I would usually say to myself "Damn. I wish he was my boyfriend." This time, it was "Damn. I wish he was me."

What made him different from all the other guys is still confusing me. All I know is that right now I'm feeling ugly again.

When I got home the stuffs I just bought which are supposed to make me look good went straight to the trash can. I thought I would never look good enough no matter how hard I try. I went to bed right away.

July 07, 2005

Capital Sin All Over Again