Silent Lucidity 2.0 - Silence of Wings: Capital Sin Times Three

Some people make me feel really ugly.

If I would be stranded on a remote island and find a genie in a bottle I would wish to become totally hot, drop-dead handsome, and oozing with sex appeal that every human being on earth (man or woman) would admire and fantasize me, lustfully. Oh yeah, I would wish for that even if I were restricted to just one wish. While I believe most people would wish for a one hundred billion dollar Swiss Bank account, or (for the hopeless romantic) a love that's true and divine (eow!), I would rather wish to become the most beautiful man to walk on earth.

But even though I 'humbly' admit that I am not at all that good looking, I still like to believe that I am at least above-average looking.

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Translation: Being above-average looking doesn't necessarily mean being good looking. A good looking guy is someone who is looked up to by almost everyone around him. He is the 'certified guapo' type of guy that everytime he come across a group of girls (or even girls at heart) they would be thrilled and scream "Oh my God, he's sooo cute!" An above-average-but-not-necessarily-good-looking type of guy would receive a less-flattering-but-good-enough-anyways comment such as "Okay. Puwede. Cute na rin." (I think I'd pass for such a comment.)

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So do I sound narcissistic now? I guess to the people who know me it wouldn't be news at all if I say that I am. But for the rest of you guys who know me less I'll let you react using these choices:

A. "I exhibit NO surprise."
B. "Oh my God! Why am I NOT surprised?"
C. "REALLY, I don't see any reason why you shouldn't be."
(all at a verrry sarcastic tone.)

In point of fact, I do not usually receive these kinds of reactions. I actually get more, definitely MORE violent reactions;

Anonymous Chatter 1: "Lakas ng hangin 'tol! You think you're guapo? Kawawa ka naman kung yan ang iniisip mo. FCUK OFF! MORON!"
Anonymous Chatter 2: "Feast on your photos??? Dude, don't call it a feast 'cause it isn't, alright?"
Anonymous Chatter 3: "Last Saturday night I gave a blowj*b to a local celebrity."

...Huh? Okay that third one is a little off but it actually significantly inspired me to come up with this article. I will discuss that later in detail.

I cannot blame Anonymous Chatter 1 and Anonymous Chatter 2 for reacting to me that way. I mean, who in the world (wide web) in his normal state of mind would 'introduce himself' (read: chat) with the word 'guapo' suffixed to his nickname when, by some definition, he is not really guapo? You do know the answer, don't you? Of course it's me, and the rest of the fifty million or more not-so-good-lookin but feelin-good-lookin and not-so-physically-fortunate but feelin-physically-fortunate type of men on the globe. Yeah, I'm just 'feeling guapo'. But in spite of having that knowledge (and having accepted that fact), the two guys still made me feel really bad and low for a moment.

Oh you have no idea how much I desperately try to make myself look just a little bit nicer than I really do. I use about 4 different soaps, 3 kinds of liquids, and 4 creams on my face alone, everyday. I even used to take those so-called 'whitening pills' just to lighten my skin a little bit, with some bonus side-effects such as lightening of the hair which looked like dyed with Loréal Haircolor Shade 4.45 Mahogany Copper Brown and, lightening of the iris which looked as if I was wearing contact lenses in hazel (I ditched the pills when my vision blurred and my hair started falling uncontrollably).

And why on earth am I doing all these? WHY??? Is it because I want all the attention? Do I like so much to fish compliments? Do I like to be popular? Do I like to win a beauty pageant and have a modeling career? Do I like to be loved (and envied) by many? Or do I just hell want to get laid? (Here comes the intriguing part.)

The first page of Anonymous Chatter 3's weblog stunned me. He was telltaling this exceedingly handsome guy with whom he only shared glances with while crossing some street and then a few minutes later they were already having incredible sex. That was the night after he got fcuked with a local pop icon, and the night after the night after the night after the night after the night he had given a blowj*b to a young male actor. For a few minutes I was flaming with LUST, and then there was ENVY, and then came PRIDE. I was satanic. Just reading his blog I metamorphosed into someone I never thought I would become. I thought that maybe he was just making it up. Hell, it's not the first time I've heard some guy bluff that he hit it off with a local celebrity (is that pride talking?). Or maybe he's just really damn good looking... and lucky (now it's envy talking). A few minutes later I was standing in front of the mirror saying, "Hell, I'm so ugly."

Aaaarrggh! What is happening to me??? Am I jealous of this guy for having an extremely breathtaking, mouthwatering sex life which I never had?! Is that what I want? Is that the reason why I want to look good? Because I wanna get laid?! It will be difficult for me to accept that. All this time I believed that the greatest thing in the world is to love and be loved in return (okay I quoted that from a Hollywood film) and that it is all that I ever wanted--love. Not lust. I could 'survive' without sex. All I need is LOVE LOVE LOVE!!!

Oh, but I'm starting to think maybe it would be exciting if I once try cruising on a weekend and hit it off with some hot guy like most bisexuals do. But, eww.. Wouldn't that be cheap (for the lack of a better term)? But everyone does it. So why not I? But if I do it (play around that is), maybe I'd get lost along the way and not find the one person who is really meant for me. But if I don't, I would be missing all the fun the rest of the guys at my age are enjoying. I AM SOOO DAMN CONFUSED RIGHT NOW! And I think I'm starting to speak non-sense and turn this article into a crap. Huh, maybe it's just the hormones speaking (hey! I'm 20 years old! It's absolutely physiological, isn't it?). I'll probably get over it by tomorrow.

But I can't stop thinking about it! Hhhhmmm... Guess it wouldn't hurt if I play naughty sometimes. How about tonight? Aaaarggh!! I'm not capable of doing that. I'm ugly!

June 07, 2005

Capital Sin Times Three