Silent Lucidity 2.0 - Silence of Wings: June 2005

June 30, 2005

Hindi Ako Si Darna

Kaninang umaga, kumain ako ng paborito kong french fries. Sa hinaharap, gusto ko maging isang mahusay na doktor.

Sana lang kasing-dali ng paglunok ng french fries ang pagiging doktor. Pangarap to the highest level pala ito. Unang linggo ko sa kursong medisina at... GRABEHHH!!! Sa sobrang toxic pakiramdam ko niluluto ako sa pressure cooker. Sobrang excited pa naman ako sa 1st day of school. Gumising talaga 'ko ng maaga para maayos ko ng patayu-tayo ang buhok ko (kailangan ko ng dalawang oras at dalawampung bote ng pomada para tumayo ang buhok ko). Gusto ko kasi ng 'bagong-gising look' sa 1st day of school para astig ang 1st impression sa kin ng mga bago kong classmates (hehehe!). Hindi rin ito umepekto dahil bukod sa tumagaktak na ang pawis ko na nagkulay white na dahil sa pomada eh pagpasok na pagpasok ko ng classroom ay nagle-lecture na ang professor namin at late na pala ako! (So much for trying to make a good 1st impression). Ang nasabi ko na lang, "Oh my God... Lecture on 1st day of school? Wala man lang getting-to-know-each-other phase? This is so wicked! Like totally!" (In a pseudo-coñotic accent na pinraktris ko talaga by heart hanggang dumugo na ang tenga ko dahil karamihan pala ng ka-section ko eh mga coño). Pinansin ko ang katabi ko sa upuan. Walang reaction. Nakatutok sa lecture. Napa-nguso ako. Hindi man lang napansin ang pseudo-coñotic accent ko.

Mabuti na lang talaga bukod sa at-home na ko sa school ko ay kasama ko din na nag-me-med ang apat kong kabarkada. Ka-section ko ang friends ko na sina Ms. Tisay at Mr. Arithmetic. Sayang nga lang at nahiwalay sina Ms. La Vida Loca at Mr. Sepimastigote na napunta naman sa kasunod na section. Pero ok lang kasi minsan sabay-sabay pa din kami nagla-lunch. Sa totoo lang hindi ko alam kung pa'no ko naging kabarkada 'tong mga 'to. Silang apat puro mga sosyal (jologs ako), masisipag mag-aral (matalino ako hehehe), at 'straight' (mas cool ako sa kanila pagdating sa bagay na yan *wink*). Kapag kasama ko sila pakiramdam ko social climber ako (hehehe). At kapag maaga kami natapos kumain nagbabasa na sila ng susunod naming lesson habang ako eh busy sa pagbuga-buga sa straw ng iced tea para palobohin ito. Ewan ko nga kung paano ako naka-graduate ng pre-med. Halos lahat kasi ng exams namin noon ay dinaan ko sa 'talent' (ano kaya yun?). Pero ngayong nasa med proper na ko feeling ko hindi na eepekto ang 'talent' ko pagdating sa exams. Kung noon naipasa ko ang isang quiz sa Anatomy of the Cat sa pagsagot ng puro 'medulla oblongata' sa lahat ng tanong, ngayon di na uubra yun. Sa unang quiz namin ngayon sa Anatomy of the Human Body ay wala talaga akong nasagot kahit isa. Blankong blanko ang test paper ko nang ipasa ko dahil alam kong kahit tadtarin ko ng 'medulla oblongata' ang papel ko eh walang tatama. Gosh. Sa buong buhay ko ngayon lang ako nakakuha ng ZERO sa quiz. Shocking talaga. Paglabas ko ng classroom gusto ko na mag-shift to Special Education course.

Friday... Manila day... Walang pasok. Nagplano ang barkada na mag-bar for that night pero hindi ako sumama dahil ilang ako sa sitwasyon. Sa aming lima kasi ako lang ang single. 3 years nang sweet sina Mr. Arithmetic at Ms. La Vida Loca. Si Ms. Tisay naman may bagong boyfriend na kakasagot lang niya, at si Mr. Sepimastigote may bago na ding girlfriend which is his latest pagkatapos na di sila mag-work ni Ms. Tisay (akalain mo, nagtalo-talo sila. Ako lang ang hindi tinalo. Although minsan minamanyak ko si Mr. Arithmetic pag wala si Ms. La Vida Loca *grin*). So in short, ako lang ang walang ka-date kaya sinabi ko sa kanila na mag-aaral na lang ako para sa quizzes namin the following week (isang malutong na 'DUH' ang natanggap ko sa kanila pagkatapos ko sabihin yun). Sa huli naintindihan din naman nila ang totoong dahilan kung bakit hindi ako sumama, maliban kay Mr. Sepimastigote na sinabing hindi ko daw kasi feel ang bagong boyfriend ni Ms. Tisay kaya di ako sumama (ewan ko ba kung adik 'tong friend namin na 'to o talaga lang na kakaiba siya mag-isip. Gawan ba ako ng issue?) Syempre, pasaway ako at hindi rin ako nag-aral buong weekend. Lumabas ako the following Saturday kasami ang isang casual friend at nanood kami ng Monster-In-Law. Nagustuhan ko naman ang movie. Just what I needed to unwind dahil hindi ko kinailangang mag-isip (ayoko muna mag-isip at nawasak na yata lahat ng brain cells ko sa 1st week pa lang ng med). Pagkatapos ng movie nilibre niya 'ko ng ice cream (close na kami simula no'n hehehe) at pag-uwi ko ng bahay nag-panic na ko dahil Sunday na lang ang libreng araw para mag-aral ako (hindi pa rin ako nag-aral nung Sunday. Sipag ko noh?).

Mabuti na lang medyo nakakabawi na ko ngayong halos 3 weeks na ko dito sa med. Nakakapag-adjust na rin ako ng konti at sa tingin ko makaka-survive na rin ako dito (at hindi na ko magshi-shift to Special Education hehehe). Ang hinahabol ko na lang ngayon ay makabawi sa Anatomy ('hatest subject' ko pa naman 'yon. Grrrrr!!!) Salamat sa mga friends ko sa pag-inspire sa 'kin na mag-effort sa pag-aaral. Sobrang sisipag kasi talaga nila kaya medyo nahahawa na 'ko (naisip ko na rin na baka nakakabobo ang pagpapalobo ng iced tea).

Heto nga pala kaming lima. Sabi nila lahat kami ay may mga kamukhang artista (ehem!) maliban kay Mr. Sepimastigote (don't worry friend. Malay mo, sa 'ting lima ikaw ang maging tunay na artista hehehe).

Ms. Tisay
ala Cris Villonco

Ms. La Vida Loca
ala Claudine Barreto

$Mr. Arithmetic$
Mr. Arithmetic
ala Raymart Santiago
daw. Pagbigyan na
natin para bagay sila
ni Ms. La Vida Loca

Mr. Sepimastigote
ala lang. hehe

Myself
ala Ronian Poe daw.
Hay nako!

Iilan na lang yata ang natitira ko pang brain cells. Feeling ko kasi nagsulat ako ngayon ng pinaka-walang saysay kong blog. Pero masakit talaga para sa kin na ang kamukha ko ay ang anak ng Panday at hindi si Darna. Haaayy...

WRITTEN BY RONY AT 8:04 PM |

June 29, 2005

Busy

I want to write, but med school is keeping me really, really busy. There's a lot of lessons to review, and a lot more to learn. I'm on my 1st year so it is also a period of adjustment for me. I have to admit I am having difficulty adjusting. Damn. I expected medicine would not be easy but I didn't expect it to be this difficult. It will be an understatement to even say that medicine is 100 times more difficult than my pre-med. I guess blogging would be least of my priorities for now, or until I have completely adjusted.

WRITTEN BY RONY AT 5:10 PM |

June 19, 2005

Contemplating Over French Fries and Mayo

Favorite ko talaga ang french fries sa McDo. Lalo na yung malutong at mainit-init pa, samahan mo pa ng dip na mayonnaise. Ang sarap talaga!

Last year ay meron akong naging 'ka-McDo' na lagi kong kasabay kumain ng paborito naming french fries. Minsan ay binanggit niya sa akin na ang pagmamahal ay para ring pagkain ng french fries (Naks!). Sa una ay kuntento ka na sa french fries lang. Sarap na sarap ka dito nang bigla mong ma-discover na mas masarap pala ang french fries kapag may dip na mayonnaise. Simula noon ay hindi ka na makakain ng french fries na walang mayo. Hanggang sa dumating ka sa punto na nagsawa ka na din at ayaw mo na ng mayo. Tutal, mas marami pa palang ibang dip na pwede mong pagpilian. 'Andyan ang ketchup, gravy, garlic sauce, sweet and sour sauce, sour cream and onion sauce, barbecue sauce, pati sundae at Cheez Whiz pwede din! Hanggang sa matikman mo na lahat ng dip at magsawa ka na din. At sa huli bumalik ka din sa dati, yung french fries at asin lang. Ma-re-realize mo na 'french fries will always be french fries', kahit ano pang dip nito. At sa totoo lang, hindi mahalaga kung sa ano mo ito isinasawsaw. Ang mahalaga ay ang french fries mismo. Yun ang talagang masarap!

So anong konek nito sa pagmamahal? Sa totoo lang, EWAN KO! Ang alam ko lang, makunat na ang french fries 'pag malamig na.

Glicey, miss ko na ang mga 'Mcdo sessions' natin!

WRITTEN BY RONY AT 12:59 AM |

June 18, 2005

Sa Mga Pakpak ni Ikaro

Ngayon ko lang naisip na malungkot pala ako.

Mahirap pala ang mag-isa. Mahirap ang umuwi sa iyong bahay araw-araw na sa t'wing bubuksan mo ang pintuan ay wala kang dadatnang taong naghihintay sa 'yo. Nakakalungkot ang katahimikan sa bawat sulok ng silid. Nakakalungkot ang pag-iisa. Minsan ay inisip ko na may takot ako sa pag-iisa, pero hindi pala gano'n. Kundi, takot ako sa kalungkutang dulot ng pag-iisa.

Mahirap pala ang magbura ng kalawang. Hindi pala ako kasing-husay ng nanay ni Tolits. Puti na kasi ang uniporme kong pantalon sa kursong medisina na kinalawang sa sampayan. Bagong-bago pa naman ito. Siguro kung nandirito 'siya' ay tutulungan niya akong kuskusin ito, gaya ng ginawa niyang pagbura sa mga mantsa at kalawang na iniwan ng nakaraan ko. Minsan ay nabanggit ko sa kanya na pangarap ko ang makapagsuot ng puting uniporme. Sayang, wala na siya upang makita akong unti-unting tinutupad ang mga pangarap na binuo namin noon.

Mahirap pala makipag-usap sa hangin. Siya'y makikinig subalit hindi naman sasagot sa iyo. Minsan ay naging kaibigan ko si Habagat. Bawat araw na hindi ko siya kapiling ay ibinulong ko sa hangin na siya'y mahal ko, at sa gabi inisip ko na yakap niya ako. Ginawa ko ito hanggang sa makalimot na ako, at magising ako sa katotohanang hangin lamang ang sa ki'y humahaplos.

Mahirap pala ang mabasa sa ulan. Hindi na ito tulad noong minsang tumatakbo ako sa gitna ng bagyo habang hawak ang kamay niya. Ngayon ay mag-isa akong lulusong sa baha, at walang makakapansin na maalat ang tubig sa aking pisngi. Walang yayakap sa akin ng mahigpit upang maibsan ang ginaw na dulot ng malamig na hangin, at pawiin ang silab ng aking damdamin.

Mahirap pala ang lumipad. Minsan ay ginawa ko ito, suot ang mga pakpak mula sa mga balahibo ng lawin na pinagdikit-dikit niya upang buhatin ako paitaas sa himpapawid. Lumipad ako hanggang sa abot-kamay ko na ang langit, hanggang sa tunawin na ng init ng araw ang gawgaw na nagdidikit sa mga balahibo ng aking mga pakpak. Nahulog ako at noon ay natakot nang lumipad pang muli. Masakit tanggapin na wala na akong lakas ng loob upang muling lumipad, sa kabila ng mga bagong pakpak na ito na hiram kay Ikaro.

Mahirap ang lumipad sa gitna ng ulan, sa gitna ng malakas na hanging Habagat. Mahirap lumipad gamit ang mga pakpak na kinakalawang na. Mahirap lumipad nang nag-iisa.

Ngayon ko lang naisip na malungkot pala ako.

WRITTEN BY RONY AT 12:43 PM |

June 10, 2005

Icarus

Thank you E-jay, for your gift of faith and hope. I shall flap my wings and fly once more. Only this time I will not fall, for I will be with you. I will be valiant as the gods and be in heaven again. Your hands shall lead me there.

Sonnet to Icarus
By: E-jay

The sunlight is now kissing the heavens
And once again its time to see the sky
I rush to the mountaintop of Athens
To ask Icarus for his wings to fly.

Clouds like children praying pass by my hands
It feels like I've touched my Creator's face
And I breathe--as if it was second chance
Overwhelming indeed, finest of days!

This is the way you taught me to be brave
I no longer reside on sadness' maw
You lend your wings for you to go and save
My heart caged in this devouring sorrow.

Lay your well-crafted nifty hands on mine
Wings- I need not, for your hands are just fine!

E-jay, I love you dearly.

WRITTEN BY RONY AT 2:27 AM |

June 07, 2005

Capital Sin Times Three

Some people make me feel really ugly.

If I would be stranded on a remote island and find a genie in a bottle I would wish to become totally hot, drop-dead handsome, and oozing with sex appeal that every human being on earth (man or woman) would admire and fantasize me, lustfully. Oh yeah, I would wish for that even if I were restricted to just one wish. While I believe most people would wish for a one hundred billion dollar Swiss Bank account, or (for the hopeless romantic) a love that's true and divine (eow!), I would rather wish to become the most beautiful man to walk on earth.

But even though I 'humbly' admit that I am not at all that good looking, I still like to believe that I am at least above-average looking.

---------------

Translation: Being above-average looking doesn't necessarily mean being good looking. A good looking guy is someone who is looked up to by almost everyone around him. He is the 'certified guapo' type of guy that everytime he come across a group of girls (or even girls at heart) they would be thrilled and scream "Oh my God, he's sooo cute!" An above-average-but-not-necessarily-good-looking type of guy would receive a less-flattering-but-good-enough-anyways comment such as "Okay. Puwede. Cute na rin." (I think I'd pass for such a comment.)

---------------

So do I sound narcissistic now? I guess to the people who know me it wouldn't be news at all if I say that I am. But for the rest of you guys who know me less I'll let you react using these choices:

A. "I exhibit NO surprise."
B. "Oh my God! Why am I NOT surprised?"
C. "REALLY, I don't see any reason why you shouldn't be."
(all at a verrry sarcastic tone.)

In point of fact, I do not usually receive these kinds of reactions. I actually get more, definitely MORE violent reactions;

Anonymous Chatter 1: "Lakas ng hangin 'tol! You think you're guapo? Kawawa ka naman kung yan ang iniisip mo. FCUK OFF! MORON!"
Anonymous Chatter 2: "Feast on your photos??? Dude, don't call it a feast 'cause it isn't, alright?"
Anonymous Chatter 3: "Last Saturday night I gave a blowj*b to a local celebrity."

...Huh? Okay that third one is a little off but it actually significantly inspired me to come up with this article. I will discuss that later in detail.

I cannot blame Anonymous Chatter 1 and Anonymous Chatter 2 for reacting to me that way. I mean, who in the world (wide web) in his normal state of mind would 'introduce himself' (read: chat) with the word 'guapo' suffixed to his nickname when, by some definition, he is not really guapo? You do know the answer, don't you? Of course it's me, and the rest of the fifty million or more not-so-good-lookin but feelin-good-lookin and not-so-physically-fortunate but feelin-physically-fortunate type of men on the globe. Yeah, I'm just 'feeling guapo'. But in spite of having that knowledge (and having accepted that fact), the two guys still made me feel really bad and low for a moment.

Oh you have no idea how much I desperately try to make myself look just a little bit nicer than I really do. I use about 4 different soaps, 3 kinds of liquids, and 4 creams on my face alone, everyday. I even used to take those so-called 'whitening pills' just to lighten my skin a little bit, with some bonus side-effects such as lightening of the hair which looked like dyed with Loréal Haircolor Shade 4.45 Mahogany Copper Brown and, lightening of the iris which looked as if I was wearing contact lenses in hazel (I ditched the pills when my vision blurred and my hair started falling uncontrollably).

And why on earth am I doing all these? WHY??? Is it because I want all the attention? Do I like so much to fish compliments? Do I like to be popular? Do I like to win a beauty pageant and have a modeling career? Do I like to be loved (and envied) by many? Or do I just hell want to get laid? (Here comes the intriguing part.)

The first page of Anonymous Chatter 3's weblog stunned me. He was telltaling this exceedingly handsome guy with whom he only shared glances with while crossing some street and then a few minutes later they were already having incredible sex. That was the night after he got fcuked with a local pop icon, and the night after the night after the night after the night after the night he had given a blowj*b to a young male actor. For a few minutes I was flaming with LUST, and then there was ENVY, and then came PRIDE. I was satanic. Just reading his blog I metamorphosed into someone I never thought I would become. I thought that maybe he was just making it up. Hell, it's not the first time I've heard some guy bluff that he hit it off with a local celebrity (is that pride talking?). Or maybe he's just really damn good looking... and lucky (now it's envy talking). A few minutes later I was standing in front of the mirror saying, "Hell, I'm so ugly."

Aaaarrggh! What is happening to me??? Am I jealous of this guy for having an extremely breathtaking, mouthwatering sex life which I never had?! Is that what I want? Is that the reason why I want to look good? Because I wanna get laid?! It will be difficult for me to accept that. All this time I believed that the greatest thing in the world is to love and be loved in return (okay I quoted that from a Hollywood film) and that it is all that I ever wanted--love. Not lust. I could 'survive' without sex. All I need is LOVE LOVE LOVE!!!

Oh, but I'm starting to think maybe it would be exciting if I once try cruising on a weekend and hit it off with some hot guy like most bisexuals do. But, eww.. Wouldn't that be cheap (for the lack of a better term)? But everyone does it. So why not I? But if I do it (play around that is), maybe I'd get lost along the way and not find the one person who is really meant for me. But if I don't, I would be missing all the fun the rest of the guys at my age are enjoying. I AM SOOO DAMN CONFUSED RIGHT NOW! And I think I'm starting to speak non-sense and turn this article into a crap. Huh, maybe it's just the hormones speaking (hey! I'm 20 years old! It's absolutely physiological, isn't it?). I'll probably get over it by tomorrow.

But I can't stop thinking about it! Hhhhmmm... Guess it wouldn't hurt if I play naughty sometimes. How about tonight? Aaaarggh!! I'm not capable of doing that. I'm ugly!

WRITTEN BY RONY AT 11:37 PM |