Silent Lucidity 2.0 - Silence of Wings: May 2005

May 28, 2005

Gist

Okay, so I thought that maybe I should stop writing 'very personal' all-about-me blogs since my journal is becoming less and less private now. But I also thought that if I would do so then I will not be able to call this 'my journal' anymore. I am writing for myself and not for the sake of my audience (although I am very, very grateful for the time spent by those who read my most-of-the-time non-sense blogs). And since I have lived a life with no pretensions I will always be brave to write about even my darkest, most horrible, most disgusting encounters. So goes.

Right when I am typing this entry a distant friend texted me that she is considering ending her life. I replied that once upon a time I also thought of doing the same but then I realized it would be such a cruel thing to do because thousands of men from the bisexual community would blubber and be frustrated forever for not being able to savor my flesh. Maybe they would even kill themselves, too just to have the chance to be with me in hell (okay, so much for narcissism).

So maybe that is where I am coming from. Maybe that is the reason why I have been fooling around the past few weeks, or months, or even years. Maybe because one time ago, a long time ago, I stood up and said to myself that I will not kill myself for this one man. Instead, he and every other man I come across will die for me.

Or die with me. My monophobia is becoming more and more intense--the reason why I am always looking for company, even for just one night. And I usually do not spend those nights with friends. I spend them with strangers. And they usually, if not always, end up into something below the belt. I almost always feel empty afterwards. It's difficult sleeping with someone you do not love, much more you do not know.

I want to believe that I am only doing what pleases me. I would think of anything except that I am despicable. I want to believe that by doing this I will be able to forget and open my heart to hapiness, once again.

"In fact, my life has no meaning. And even if I kill myself now, it would hardly change anything." -Ana
"I am always looking for a meaningful one-night-stand." -John
"There are times when I feel shameful. Men are just plain shallow." -Winston
"That is your decision. You chose to be like that rather than be loved." -Oliver

WRITTEN BY RONY AT 10:19 PM |

May 25, 2005

Pahayag

Prologue
Siguro nga kailangan nang mapansin ko ang mga signos ng panahon.

I
Kahapon ng umaga gumising ako na may katabing lalaking hindi ko kilala. Ikalawang ulit ko pa lang sya nakita. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang dahilan at pinili ko na makasama sya. Siguro, takot lang talaga 'ko mag-isa. O siguro, ayoko lang maisip ang pagkainis ko sa isang taong akala ko'y kaibigan ko na. Inis na inis ako sa kanya at ayoko na siya maisip. Kailangan ko ng mapagbabalingan ng atensyon ko.

II
Noong dapit hapon na pumunta ako ng paaralan para makuha ang diploma ko. Halos sumigaw ako sa pakikipagtalo sa sekretarya ng dean kung bakit hindi pa niya nai-susumite ang mga grado ko sa registrar. Ang lakas ng loob ko. Kailangan ko kasi 'yon para makapag-enrol ng medisina.

III
Kagabi na-holdap ako sa daan pauwi. Minura ko muna ang holdaper bago ko iniabot ang cellphone ko. Sanay na ako sa ganon. Alam kong 'yon lang ang habol nila at wala ako magiging problema kung ibibigay ko agad ang gusto nila. Kaya sa mga sandaling iyon na may nakatutok na kutsilyo sa kin ay wala akong naramdaman kahit kaunting kaba. Tinaasan ko pa siya ng kilay. At bago pa siya matapos sa kasasatsat na sasaksakin daw niya ako ay sumabat na ako, "Oo na! Oo na! Ibibigay ko na P.I.M.!" Ganun lang. Madali naman akong kausap.

IV
Pag-uwi ko sa dormitoryo ay parang gusto ko umiyak dahil ang sabi ng tatay ko sa telepono ay hindi siya naniniwala sa kwento ko kung paano ako naholdap. Siguradong gumala na naman daw ako kung saan-saan (alam kong ang ibig niyang sabihin ay 'lumandi' na naman ako kung saan-saan) kaya nangyari sa kin 'yon. Pinauwi niya agad ako sa probinsya.

V
Kanina habang nakasakay ako sa bus ay gusto kong sigawan ang mga tao sa paligid ko. Itong katabi kong lalaki na tulug-tulugan ay ilang ulit nang sumandal sa balikat ko. Ang kapal ng mukha niya. Gusto ko siyang itulak nang mahulog siya sa upuan. Dito naman sa likuran ko may lalaking gawa ng gawa ng ingay, "Tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk..." Paulit-ulit niya yung ginagawa. Sobrang lakas. Sobrang nakakairita. Susumpa ako na dinig na dinig 'yon ng lahat ng tao sa loob ng bus sa sobrang lakas. Sa pagkakaintindi ko ay ayaw gumana ng i-Pod niya, kaya siya nag-iingay ng ganon. Ayaw nitong gumana o gusto lang niyang mapansin ng mga tao na may i-Pod siya. Nakakainis talaga. "Tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk..." Walang tigil. Siguro dalawampung beses na niya ginagawa 'yon at hindi na ako nakapag-pigil. Kaya sa pagkainis ko ay sinabayan ko siya. "Tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk..." Nilakasan ko talaga yon. Siniguro ko na maririnig niya. Mabuti naman huminto siya. Napahiya siguro. Buti nga. Pero itong katabi ko, sandal pa rin ng sandal sa kin. Hay*p na 'to. Sabayan pa nitong babae sa harapan ko na inaagawan ako ng kurtina kaya ang araw nakatutok na sa kin. At ang sandalan niya isinagad niya sa pagkakababa na halos sumayad na sa mukha ko. Sh*t. Sh*t talaga. Pikon na pikon na ko. Sasabog na ang tenga ko. Parang nananadya ang mga taong 'to. Ano ba 'to? Practical joke? Sa totoo lang wala akong panahon para sa mga ganyan dahil kahapon pa mainit ang ulo ko, o noong isang araw pa. Pero hindi sila nagbibiro. Talaga lang siguro na may mga tao sa mundo na likas nang nakakainis. At malas ko lang, sa araw na 'to tatlo silang sabay-sabay dumating para sirain ang araw ko.

VI
Pagdating ko ng bahay inaasahan ko na ang sermon ng tatay at nanay ko. Hindi na lang ako nagsalita. Hindi na ako nangatwiran pa. Tinanggap ko ang lahat ng sinabi nila. Okey lang, sanay na ako. Pero nagulat ako. Sinabi ng tatay ko na alam nila ng nanay ang tungkol sa 'min ni Ronilo, at lahat ng mga 'kaibigan' kong 'outsiders'. Alam din daw nila ang mga ginagawa kong 'pag-gala' kung saan-saan; sa U.P., sa Cubao, sa Malate, etc. etc. Ang hindi ko pag-uwi sa dormitoryo. Ang pagdalaw sa kin ng kung sino-sino. Ang pagtulog ko sa iba't-ibang bahay. Langya! Ano ba 'to? Nagpapadala ba kayo ng espiya sa 'kin sa Maynila para manmanan lahat ng ikinikilos ko? Sino ba talaga kayo? Sina Mr. & Mrs. Smith?!

VII
Bago ako humiga sa kama napilitan akong mangako sa tatay ko na mula ngayon ay hindi na ako makikipag-kita o makikipag-kaibigan sa mga estrangherong makikilala ko kung saan-saan; sa mall, sa internet, sa ibang school, sa banyo, sa kalye... Wala akong gagawin sa susunod na apat na taon kundi mag-aral, ang itutok bawat segundo sa pagbabasa ng mga libro ng medisina hanggang mabaliw na ako. Pagkatapos ng klase ko ay deretso akong uuwi sa dormitoryo. Hindi ako lalabas. Walang gimik, walang gudtaym, walang pakikipagkaibigan, walang pakikipaglandian, walang social life, walang love life, walang sex life. Aaaahhhh... Siguro, sa mga katulad ko, talaga lang na mahirap makuha ang tiwala at pagtanggap ng mga magulang.

Epilogue
May isang taong nagsabi sa kin noon na ang lahat ng mga pagyayaring katulad nito ay mga pahayag. Saan ba ito patungo? Ano ang ibig sabihin ng lahat ng pahayag na ito?

WRITTEN BY RONY AT 4:13 PM |

May 22, 2005

Absurd Irony

and while i crafted an ocean
     over and over
          i watched him
as he knelt in front of him
licked his bone
ate his flesh
     piece by piece
ohhhh... don't it just feel good?
now i know for sure
he is a wolf.

WRITTEN BY RONY AT 4:44 AM |

Capital Sin

Glice, please save me. You are the only one who could comprehend my lucidity. Please, come here and save me.

Ana, I'm sorry if I am unable to carry your millstone. I have my own share of grief. And as much as you wished to breathe your last, I wish I never breathe.

Ronilo, my everdearest Ronilo... Look at me now. Look at me seventy nine days after you left me. Look at me decline little by little. How could you ever think that I could live without you?

WRITTEN BY RONY AT 4:42 AM |

May 03, 2005

The Five Languages of Love

One Monday at a fastfood restaurant in Banawe, I had lunch with someone I barely knew. We've been seeing each other around the hospital laboratory since the 1st day of our internship, but we never really talked. In fact, it was the first time we had a conversation. But on that day, on that ordinary day, she shared with me the best lesson I've heard about love and relationship.

Lia said there are five languages of love--the ways we express our affections to the special people in our lives. She believed that each of us speaks at least one or two of these languages, and that we are in constant search of someone who speaks and understands the same language that we use.

1. The first language is physical touch. You are dejected... The whole world is against you. You turn to him for his embrace, and even without giving words of encouragement or an advice, without saying anything at all, you become okay. Just the mere fact that he touches you makes you feel his love and everything becomes right.

2. The second language is quality time. He is very busy at work or school that he barely had time to go out with his friends, to play his favorite sport, or even have enough sleep. In spite of this he makes sure he sees you at least once or twice a week. It doesn't have to be a long time but the mere fact that he went against his busy schedule just to be with you, there could be no other reason for that but love.

3. The third language is giving gifts. Whether there is an occasion to celebrate or it is just an ordinary day, he gives you a little something which he thinks you might want or need. It doesn't have to be all that fancy. These could be simple things such as a face towel on a summer; a water bottle just in case you get thirsty while at work; the mangoes in his salad which is your real favorite; or that last piece of cookie from the jar (Remember that Fita commercial?). Like they say, it's the thought that comes with these gifts that counts. And what else could be better than thoughts of love?

4. The fourth language is words of affirmation--the verbal expression of affection. He tells you everyday that he loves you and cares for you... That he misses you and wants to be with you. He tells you everything that he feels and he never fails to assure you of his love through his sweet, sincere and kind words. Like they say, what could be greater than saying "I love you"?

5. The fifth language is service. He does things for you no matter how simple or difficult they are. He washes and irons your clothes... He picks you up in the morning and fetches you later after work... He proofreads your thesis... Or even just make you coffee in the morning. These are things he is willing to do for you without expecting something in return. It makes you feel that he will do anything for you... That he is willing to sacrifice for you and only you, his love.

Like Lia, I also believe that each of us desire our lovers to express their affections using at least one or two of these languages. Sometimes we think that we are not compatible with our partners, or that they have fallen out of love with us. Sometimes we get paranoid and think that the relationship is not working anymore. If you come to think of it, it could be because we are receiving the wrong signals. Your partner might think that you like to receive gifts, when in fact quality time is more important to you than material things. Or maybe he thinks physical touch is enough to make you feel, but what you really need is to hear him say that he does love you.

It is important that we understand what our partners expect from us--is it touch? Time? Gifts? Words or service?

For me, I expect my lover to give me physical touch and words of affirmation. I am a person who doesn't share his emotions. I keep my problems to myself and never really tell them to my friends or family. I don't really expect for an advice and when given one I'd probably not take it. What is important for me is that there would be someone whose shoulder I could lean on (and cry on) when I am down and depressed. He doesn't have to say anything, he just have to be there. This was my problem with Will. I didn't feel he was there.

A friend of mine said in a Friendster testimonial that I always need to be reminded that I am loved or else I would go paranoid. It is only now that I realize how true it is. I broke up with Jan before because he never really told me that he loved me. Perhaps he just doesn't speak that language, and it drove me crazy. I didn't understand him then.

But it was not the lack of a language that caused Ron and I to break up. Because, hard it is to believe, Ron spoke to me of his love in all five languages.

He hugged me when my fish 'Blue Bubble' died (even though he had to yell at me first for crying over a dead fish). He went to my place just to be with me (even if he had to travel for an hour and a half). He gave me muffins, mango pies, chocolates, apples, a stuffed toy, a fish bowl, and flowers (even when there was no special occasion). He told me everyday, a hundred times a day that he loved me (even though he said it through text most of the time). He washed and ironed my clothes (even though his ironing was really bad.)

He never failed in making me feel how much he loved me, and because of that I became confident... Maybe even overconfident that it came to a point that I was already taking his affections for granted.

I believe that apart from understanding, appreciation is equally important. Sometime ago I wrote about how good it felt holding Ron's hands, or how wonderful it was being in his arms. And then my inbox was filled with his "I love you's" which always gave me a smile whenever I read them. Maybe these are the things he did which I appreciated so much, and yet I didn't give too much importance to the other things he gave and did for me. I admit I gave away some of the things he gave me. The chocolates went to my sister, the apples to my friends, the fish bowl to my mom, and (rude it may sound) the pies to the trash can. I did not realize that when I gave away all those 'gifts' he gave I was actually giving away his love.

And that was just one of the many times that I took him for granted. If I only I saw how hard he was trying to show me how much he loved me, then maybe he would have felt how much he is worth to me. Maybe he would have felt appreciated. Maybe he would have felt loved. And then maybe he would have stayed.

But then again, like they say 'past is past' and there is no other way to go but ahead. Maybe next time around, I'll be more fluent in speaking and understanding the language of love.

Thank you Lia for a very nice conversation.

WRITTEN BY RONY AT 10:49 PM |