Silent Lucidity 2.0 - Silence of Wings: July 2003

Dear Jan,

It took me two hundred ninety days, seven dates, a handful of tears, one thousand words, and one man to get over my first true love. And right now, right here in one corner of my room, I am starting to count again, as I try to get over you.

It is so hard to get over someone. Have I not met you, I would have been counting sheep running down my cheeks and into my cup again, as I hear the news about his new found love. Maybe I wouldn't have been able to smile at him and tell him that I was glad, but I was able to, and for the first time I meant it. I almost couldn't believe how someone who used to have so much power on me, can totally be worthless.

But it didn't feel good.

It didn't feel good at all. 'Cause inside, my heart is breaking once again... All for the same reason, just a different person.

Last night I was in that place again where ninety days ago I promised myself never to go back to ever again. That place where I spent the most desperate, loneliest, worst night of my entire life... That place where I drowned myself in pity. Once again I was there trying to find someone... Someone who can fill the space you left when you said goodbye.

It didn't work. It never did.

It was 1 am. I was on my way home when I remembered it was your birthday. I had planned so much for this day. I wanted to save all I have left so I could get you the most wonderful gift I could ever afford. I wanted to pick that "Happy birthday
sweetheart" card at the bookstore. Even that pair of white gold rings at the jewelry shop. It is a good thing I didn't have much that day, so I just looked with excitement.

Now, I wouldn't have a reason to go back and buy those things anymore. You are not mine anymore.

I'm sorry if I begged you to see me this morning. I told myself I'll never want to see you again. I even thought I wouldn't remember you on your birthday. I guess I was too weak. I couldn't cheat myself any longer. And so I surrendered.

I'm sorry if I disappointed you. I'm sorry if I failed to make you happy. I'm sorry if I were unfair. I'm sorry if I were selfish. I'm sorry if I didn't understand. I'm sorry but I just love you, and I couldn't do any better.

I wish I would be given a chance to go back to the first day we were together. The day when it was still you and me. The day when you still loved me so much. Then I would have wakened up earlier, so I could spend the whole day with you. One day when I could tell you a hundred times that I love you. One day that I would be happy again. One day--it's all that I need from you. After sunset, I could die.

Jan, happy birthday.

Please take it away from me. I don't wanna be like this anymore. Please take it all away.

It's happening all over again. I have loved and lost for the hundredth time. I'm dying in pain again. Please take it all away.

I don't think I could bear anymore. I don't think I would be brave enough to love and believe again. There is no more love in my heart, only despair. Please take it all away.

Inside me I still have this wishful thinking that we still have a chance. That we can still be together somehow. It is wrong, please take it all away.

At one point I thought that maybe it was my fault. I blame myself for not being good enough for him. I hate myself again. Please take it all away.

My head is filled with his thoughts, and it's driving me insane. I just wanna be free. Lord, please take it all away..

July 07, 2003

Letter to Jan

July 06, 2003

(Untitled)

Prayer