Silent Lucidity 2.0 - Silence of Wings: Gist

Okay, so I thought that maybe I should stop writing 'very personal' all-about-me blogs since my journal is becoming less and less private now. But I also thought that if I would do so then I will not be able to call this 'my journal' anymore. I am writing for myself and not for the sake of my audience (although I am very, very grateful for the time spent by those who read my most-of-the-time non-sense blogs). And since I have lived a life with no pretensions I will always be brave to write about even my darkest, most horrible, most disgusting encounters. So goes.

Right when I am typing this entry a distant friend texted me that she is considering ending her life. I replied that once upon a time I also thought of doing the same but then I realized it would be such a cruel thing to do because thousands of men from the bisexual community would blubber and be frustrated forever for not being able to savor my flesh. Maybe they would even kill themselves, too just to have the chance to be with me in hell (okay, so much for narcissism).

So maybe that is where I am coming from. Maybe that is the reason why I have been fooling around the past few weeks, or months, or even years. Maybe because one time ago, a long time ago, I stood up and said to myself that I will not kill myself for this one man. Instead, he and every other man I come across will die for me.

Or die with me. My monophobia is becoming more and more intense--the reason why I am always looking for company, even for just one night. And I usually do not spend those nights with friends. I spend them with strangers. And they usually, if not always, end up into something below the belt. I almost always feel empty afterwards. It's difficult sleeping with someone you do not love, much more you do not know.

I want to believe that I am only doing what pleases me. I would think of anything except that I am despicable. I want to believe that by doing this I will be able to forget and open my heart to hapiness, once again.

"In fact, my life has no meaning. And even if I kill myself now, it would hardly change anything." -Ana
"I am always looking for a meaningful one-night-stand." -John
"There are times when I feel shameful. Men are just plain shallow." -Winston
"That is your decision. You chose to be like that rather than be loved." -Oliver

May 28, 2005

Gist