Silent Lucidity 2.0 - Silence of Wings: The Five Languages of Love

One Monday at a fastfood restaurant in Banawe, I had lunch with someone I barely knew. We've been seeing each other around the hospital laboratory since the 1st day of our internship, but we never really talked. In fact, it was the first time we had a conversation. But on that day, on that ordinary day, she shared with me the best lesson I've heard about love and relationship.

Lia said there are five languages of love--the ways we express our affections to the special people in our lives. She believed that each of us speaks at least one or two of these languages, and that we are in constant search of someone who speaks and understands the same language that we use.

1. The first language is physical touch. You are dejected... The whole world is against you. You turn to him for his embrace, and even without giving words of encouragement or an advice, without saying anything at all, you become okay. Just the mere fact that he touches you makes you feel his love and everything becomes right.

2. The second language is quality time. He is very busy at work or school that he barely had time to go out with his friends, to play his favorite sport, or even have enough sleep. In spite of this he makes sure he sees you at least once or twice a week. It doesn't have to be a long time but the mere fact that he went against his busy schedule just to be with you, there could be no other reason for that but love.

3. The third language is giving gifts. Whether there is an occasion to celebrate or it is just an ordinary day, he gives you a little something which he thinks you might want or need. It doesn't have to be all that fancy. These could be simple things such as a face towel on a summer; a water bottle just in case you get thirsty while at work; the mangoes in his salad which is your real favorite; or that last piece of cookie from the jar (Remember that Fita commercial?). Like they say, it's the thought that comes with these gifts that counts. And what else could be better than thoughts of love?

4. The fourth language is words of affirmation--the verbal expression of affection. He tells you everyday that he loves you and cares for you... That he misses you and wants to be with you. He tells you everything that he feels and he never fails to assure you of his love through his sweet, sincere and kind words. Like they say, what could be greater than saying "I love you"?

5. The fifth language is service. He does things for you no matter how simple or difficult they are. He washes and irons your clothes... He picks you up in the morning and fetches you later after work... He proofreads your thesis... Or even just make you coffee in the morning. These are things he is willing to do for you without expecting something in return. It makes you feel that he will do anything for you... That he is willing to sacrifice for you and only you, his love.

Like Lia, I also believe that each of us desire our lovers to express their affections using at least one or two of these languages. Sometimes we think that we are not compatible with our partners, or that they have fallen out of love with us. Sometimes we get paranoid and think that the relationship is not working anymore. If you come to think of it, it could be because we are receiving the wrong signals. Your partner might think that you like to receive gifts, when in fact quality time is more important to you than material things. Or maybe he thinks physical touch is enough to make you feel, but what you really need is to hear him say that he does love you.

It is important that we understand what our partners expect from us--is it touch? Time? Gifts? Words or service?

For me, I expect my lover to give me physical touch and words of affirmation. I am a person who doesn't share his emotions. I keep my problems to myself and never really tell them to my friends or family. I don't really expect for an advice and when given one I'd probably not take it. What is important for me is that there would be someone whose shoulder I could lean on (and cry on) when I am down and depressed. He doesn't have to say anything, he just have to be there. This was my problem with Will. I didn't feel he was there.

A friend of mine said in a Friendster testimonial that I always need to be reminded that I am loved or else I would go paranoid. It is only now that I realize how true it is. I broke up with Jan before because he never really told me that he loved me. Perhaps he just doesn't speak that language, and it drove me crazy. I didn't understand him then.

But it was not the lack of a language that caused Ron and I to break up. Because, hard it is to believe, Ron spoke to me of his love in all five languages.

He hugged me when my fish 'Blue Bubble' died (even though he had to yell at me first for crying over a dead fish). He went to my place just to be with me (even if he had to travel for an hour and a half). He gave me muffins, mango pies, chocolates, apples, a stuffed toy, a fish bowl, and flowers (even when there was no special occasion). He told me everyday, a hundred times a day that he loved me (even though he said it through text most of the time). He washed and ironed my clothes (even though his ironing was really bad.)

He never failed in making me feel how much he loved me, and because of that I became confident... Maybe even overconfident that it came to a point that I was already taking his affections for granted.

I believe that apart from understanding, appreciation is equally important. Sometime ago I wrote about how good it felt holding Ron's hands, or how wonderful it was being in his arms. And then my inbox was filled with his "I love you's" which always gave me a smile whenever I read them. Maybe these are the things he did which I appreciated so much, and yet I didn't give too much importance to the other things he gave and did for me. I admit I gave away some of the things he gave me. The chocolates went to my sister, the apples to my friends, the fish bowl to my mom, and (rude it may sound) the pies to the trash can. I did not realize that when I gave away all those 'gifts' he gave I was actually giving away his love.

And that was just one of the many times that I took him for granted. If I only I saw how hard he was trying to show me how much he loved me, then maybe he would have felt how much he is worth to me. Maybe he would have felt appreciated. Maybe he would have felt loved. And then maybe he would have stayed.

But then again, like they say 'past is past' and there is no other way to go but ahead. Maybe next time around, I'll be more fluent in speaking and understanding the language of love.

Thank you Lia for a very nice conversation.

May 03, 2005

The Five Languages of Love